Since my best friend of 22 years died on May 6th from a brain aneurysm, my life has changed so drastically. First, may I just say, that alone was enough to punch a whole through my heart. We were going to be old lady's together. She was 39. I will turn 39 on Aug 22nd.
When someone dies, we always ask why? Most of the time we never get an answer. Well, I did.. And for me it all adds up to change.
The event of Dana's death, and sad and unfortunate events that have happened since, have changed me for good. I will no longer just sit back and except the unexceptable. Because life is short, and I deserve to live it my way, under no ones rules but my own.
I have always lived for others. To help people. To be the best at helping people. But in all that, I lost myself.
I have realized that I don't own anybody anything. Not time, explanation, or trust. I will judge people by their character, and the company they keep. And I will trust my first instinct. None of this comes naturally to me. I have a therapist, a damn good one, who guides me to the light.
Just because you're a nice person, who makes me laugh, doesnt make you a good person who wont hurt me. So, out of death, did come something good for me. So I am forever grateful to have had this experience.
Now, that being said, I miss Dana. I miss her so much it is hard to breath sometimes. I feel abandoned. Left to figure all this shit out on my own. I hate it. And I hate being lonely.I truly feel as though I'm living a double life. I seem to be fine on the outside. I smile and joke, and go on living each day, but I am so broken inside. And angry. So angry. It's only been 3 months,and i can't bear the silence of my life without her. I hate that my phone doesn't ring. I hate that my evenings are free. I feel as though I'm starting over, but this time I'll be screening the applicants more carefully.
That is all.
I
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
New revelations..
We all think we know. Seven year olds think they know that ice cream is ok before dinner. Seventeen year olds think their parents just don't understand. Twenty seven year olds think everything is just so important and crucial. At thirty seven you begin to see the previous ages as just too much drama that you don't want to waste time with anymore. My guess is that at forty seven you start to let go, and really realize what is important. At fify seven i think your wise enough to see things clearly, but you stand back and let the young ones figure it out for themselves. At 67, you have advice again to give, but this time it's out of fear. At 77, I'm guessing you just don't give a shit anymore what anyone thinks, does, or says, because you've pretty much seen everything.
Being in my late thirties, I am begining to see that I really don't have time for mind games, drama, liars, and bullshit. I've been codependant now for years, as I have come to realize through therapy and reading books. I have been there before. Gossip, giving unwanted opinions, mind games, revenge, tears, and anger when those I tried to help didn't take my advice to help themselves or change. I realize I have spent most of my adult life caring so much about other people. Their problems, their lives. I spent all my precious energy on worry. Worrying if I was liked, loved. Worrying that i always gave and gave and never received. Who was there to reciprocate the time, energy, and ultimately the love I so freely gave to everyone around me.? No one. No one has. I have given so much of myself that I have been empty for years, wondering when it was my turn to be taken care of. Well knowing is half the battle, G.I Joe!!!
I will no longer be that person. I will only put energy into what I think, feel, and how I behave. Because I only need to please myself and be happy within myself. Nobody else will do this for me. I'm better now that I can see this in myself, and working hard towards changing it. I may be seen as cold or selfish among my friends, because no one is used to me being assertive, or saying no, or not going above and beyond to help. But that Is not my problem, and how I feel is important, and it has never been before. I matter as much as the next person, so i will treat myself that way. And expect others to treat me that way as well. I am growing, changing... It feels good. Why should I accept any less?
Being in my late thirties, I am begining to see that I really don't have time for mind games, drama, liars, and bullshit. I've been codependant now for years, as I have come to realize through therapy and reading books. I have been there before. Gossip, giving unwanted opinions, mind games, revenge, tears, and anger when those I tried to help didn't take my advice to help themselves or change. I realize I have spent most of my adult life caring so much about other people. Their problems, their lives. I spent all my precious energy on worry. Worrying if I was liked, loved. Worrying that i always gave and gave and never received. Who was there to reciprocate the time, energy, and ultimately the love I so freely gave to everyone around me.? No one. No one has. I have given so much of myself that I have been empty for years, wondering when it was my turn to be taken care of. Well knowing is half the battle, G.I Joe!!!
I will no longer be that person. I will only put energy into what I think, feel, and how I behave. Because I only need to please myself and be happy within myself. Nobody else will do this for me. I'm better now that I can see this in myself, and working hard towards changing it. I may be seen as cold or selfish among my friends, because no one is used to me being assertive, or saying no, or not going above and beyond to help. But that Is not my problem, and how I feel is important, and it has never been before. I matter as much as the next person, so i will treat myself that way. And expect others to treat me that way as well. I am growing, changing... It feels good. Why should I accept any less?
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