Since my best friend of 22 years died on May 6th from a brain aneurysm, my life has changed so drastically. First, may I just say, that alone was enough to punch a whole through my heart. We were going to be old lady's together. She was 39. I will turn 39 on Aug 22nd.
When someone dies, we always ask why? Most of the time we never get an answer. Well, I did.. And for me it all adds up to change.
The event of Dana's death, and sad and unfortunate events that have happened since, have changed me for good. I will no longer just sit back and except the unexceptable. Because life is short, and I deserve to live it my way, under no ones rules but my own.
I have always lived for others. To help people. To be the best at helping people. But in all that, I lost myself.
I have realized that I don't own anybody anything. Not time, explanation, or trust. I will judge people by their character, and the company they keep. And I will trust my first instinct. None of this comes naturally to me. I have a therapist, a damn good one, who guides me to the light.
Just because you're a nice person, who makes me laugh, doesnt make you a good person who wont hurt me. So, out of death, did come something good for me. So I am forever grateful to have had this experience.
Now, that being said, I miss Dana. I miss her so much it is hard to breath sometimes. I feel abandoned. Left to figure all this shit out on my own. I hate it. And I hate being lonely.I truly feel as though I'm living a double life. I seem to be fine on the outside. I smile and joke, and go on living each day, but I am so broken inside. And angry. So angry. It's only been 3 months,and i can't bear the silence of my life without her. I hate that my phone doesn't ring. I hate that my evenings are free. I feel as though I'm starting over, but this time I'll be screening the applicants more carefully.
That is all.
I
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