There's more room in a broken heart: 1 year has passed

May 6th will be 1 year. One year ago I lost my best friend of 22 years to a brain aneurysm. I spend the last night of her life with her, laughing, eating, and talking. If I knew it was our last time together, I would have held her and never let her go. I would have told her I loved her, and not to be afraid. Instead, we laughed and joked, and danced like we had a tomorrow. Instead she never woke up.
So many times this year, I've needed her. More than I can count. For everything. For
nothing . For her calming effect on me. For how she loved my daughter. For her infectious laugh. For the many hours of useless bullshit we talked about. For my true love of her children. For her profound ability to connect with me using only her eyes. For all the conversations we had, and all the ones we never needed to have. For a million things.
I miss her, and feel sad that she is not here with me. I miss my other half. I don't care if we didn't share blood. We were sisters. Family. She was one of the great loves of my life. And when she died, she left a gaping hole in my heart that no one could fill.
If wishes came true she would have come back to me everyday since she left . I still don't understand out of all the people in the world, why it had to be her who died that night. I am lonely without her friendship.
I hope she knows how much I loved her. I know she knows. Through the powers and ability of my friend Jeanne who is an amazing medium, I got my answers. Jeanne told me the angels had to pull her out of this world. Literally pull her by the arms to get her to let go of this world. And when she faced the fact that she was not given a choice she had to let go.
I try to remember what Jeanne said to me. She said " Dana is telling me it hurts her to see you so sad. She wants you to know she always walking with you".
And she was right. I carry Dana with me everywhere I go. Today, I try to live not as she would want me to live, but I live by what brings me happiness. Because I know she would want me to be happy.
And now a quote from Wicked: For Good..
" It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime. But let me say before we part, so much of me is made from what I learned from you. You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine, by being my friend."
Dana Darden
6/19/1972-5/6/2012

There's more room in a broken heart

Since my best friend of 22 years died on May 6th from a brain aneurysm, my life has changed so drastically. First, may I just say, that alone was enough to punch a whole through my heart. We were going to be old lady's together. She was 39. I will turn 39 on Aug 22nd.
When someone dies, we always ask why? Most of the time we never get an answer. Well, I did.. And for me it all adds up to change.
The event of Dana's death, and sad and unfortunate events that have happened since, have changed me for good. I will no longer just sit back and except the unexceptable. Because life is short, and I deserve to live it my way, under no ones rules but my own.
I have always lived for others. To help people. To be the best at helping people. But in all that, I lost myself.
I have realized that I don't own anybody anything. Not time, explanation, or trust. I will judge people by their character, and the company they keep. And I will trust my first instinct. None of this comes naturally to me. I have a therapist, a damn good one, who guides me to the light.
Just because you're a nice person, who makes me laugh, doesnt make you a good person who wont hurt me. So, out of death, did come something good for me. So I am forever grateful to have had this experience.
Now, that being said, I miss Dana. I miss her so much it is hard to breath sometimes. I feel abandoned. Left to figure all this shit out on my own. I hate it. And I hate being lonely.I truly feel as though I'm living a double life. I seem to be fine on the outside. I smile and joke, and go on living each day, but I am so broken inside. And angry. So angry. It's only been 3 months,and i can't bear the silence of my life without her. I hate that my phone doesn't ring. I hate that my evenings are free. I feel as though I'm starting over, but this time I'll be screening the applicants more carefully.
That is all.
I

New revelations..

We all think we know. Seven year olds think they know that ice cream is ok before dinner. Seventeen year olds think their parents just don't understand. Twenty seven year olds think everything is just so important and crucial. At thirty seven you begin to see the previous ages as just too much drama that you don't want to waste time with anymore. My guess is that at forty seven you start to let go, and really realize what is important. At fify seven i think your wise enough to see things clearly, but you stand back and let the young ones figure it out for themselves. At 67, you have advice again to give, but this time it's out of fear. At 77, I'm guessing you just don't give a shit anymore what anyone thinks, does, or says, because you've pretty much seen everything.
Being in my late thirties, I am begining to see that I really don't have time for mind games, drama, liars, and bullshit. I've been codependant now for years, as I have come to realize through therapy and reading books. I have been there before. Gossip, giving unwanted opinions, mind games, revenge, tears, and anger when those I tried to help didn't take my advice to help themselves or change. I realize I have spent most of my adult life caring so much about other people. Their problems, their lives. I spent all my precious energy on worry. Worrying if I was liked, loved. Worrying that i always gave and gave and never received. Who was there to reciprocate the time, energy, and ultimately the love I so freely gave to everyone around me.? No one. No one has. I have given so much of myself that I have been empty for years, wondering when it was my turn to be taken care of. Well knowing is half the battle, G.I Joe!!!
I will no longer be that person. I will only put energy into what I think, feel, and how I behave. Because I only need to please myself and be happy within myself. Nobody else will do this for me. I'm better now that I can see this in myself, and working hard towards changing it. I may be seen as cold or selfish among my friends, because no one is used to me being assertive, or saying no, or not going above and beyond to help. But that Is not my problem, and how I feel is important, and it has never been before. I matter as much as the next person, so i will treat myself that way. And expect others to treat me that way as well. I am growing, changing... It feels good. Why should I accept any less?

Weird Al

I'll start by saying I love Weird Al.  I have loved and respected him since I was a little girl. I personally think he is not only talented, but brilliant. He is a singer-songwriter, actor, music producer, comedian, writer, parodist, and a phenomenal accordionist. He has written over 150 parody and original songs, and first song aired in 1976. He has directed music videos for Ben Folds and Black Crows.  He was Valedictorian of his senior class and started playing the accordian the day before his sixth birthday. In 2001 he got married and has a little girl. He has won 3 grammy awards, has 4 gold records, and 6 platinum records. As a courtesy, although there is no law saying he must, he requests permission from the artist when he wants to do a parody. He has been refused permission by many artists, including Prince, Jimmy Page, and Paul McCartney.
I have said many times, that I think he would make the perfect husband. Based on the fact that he knows the importance of keeping things funny and light. I would love to know him personally. He must be really fun to hang out with. Besides all of that, it takes someone really smart to do what he does. Smart is a very attractive trait as far as I'm concerned, and often can over shadow appearance. I really think someone needs to give him a star on Hollywood Blvd and induct him into the Hall of Fame. Certainly, Al does for a living what makes him happy. Shouldn't we all be that lucky. So, give him a chance, if you haven't already. I promise you will be just as amazed as I am. Listen to him in your car. The other drivers will think your crazy, and you'll arrive to your destination with a big smile on your face. Listen to the Alternative Polka, Perform this way, or a gem like Amish Paradise and see if you can keep from smiling....I dare ya!

Three cats, one dog, and a crab.

My home is a zoo. Not just because of how disorganized I am, but because of all the furry friends that share it with me. The cats, Hazel, Auggie, and Figgy are not much of an issue at this time. Although, Hazel who is the eldest, at 15 years old, has been known in recent years to poop in our laundry and pee on our new Ikea couch. Auggie, 14, has the breath of a rotting corpse and sleeps with me on my pillow every night. We have our little routine, him and I, and I miss him when I'm away. Figgy, 3, is the comedian and loves to snuggle. He is a very sweet and loving cat.
This leads me to Oscar. The dog. The jerk. The sweet-faced jerk. Oscar Meyer Weiner is a long haired mini doxie. Now I know what all the rumors say! Small dogs are infamous for being stubborn and hard to train. But my darling husband grew up in a house where there was always a wiener dog, so I new that was my only choice of breed for our little family. Turns outs, the dog and Chris share the same birthday, so it really was meant to be. That being said, we've had him almost a year, and he is still not potty trained! Where did I go wrong?? We signed him up for a six week training class at Petsmart where he successfully learned sit, stay, leave it, drop it, and take it. This smart little dog can learn all those things, yet still shit on my floor? Unbelievable! So 5am rolls around and the yappin and yippin and bell ringin begins. I drag my lifeless, groggy, body up out of bed, whilst grumbling like Fred Flinstone under my breath, and make my way down the steps and through the dark living room. I get to the kitchen only to find Oscar sitting there, proud and excited, and behind him a puddle and poo! It's like he's saying "look ma, I did it, I did it"! This is ass backwards. You ring the bell BEFORE you go, you big jerk!! And to top it all off, he works that bell like a prostitute working Hollywood blvd! Except the prostitute is a sure thing. He rings, I let him out, and he mocks me by playing instead of pooing.
So I think I need a new training plan. Plus, he's costing me a fortune in damages for things he has chewed. Doesn't he realize he cutting into my new bra fund? Despite all of that, I love him so much it's ridiculous. And he fits in perfectly with all of our disfunction.
The crab is cute. I like his big blue claw. The End

First blog entry!!

So, I decided, after my brave mother took the leap into blogging, that if she could do it, so could I. With many a thing to talk and or bitch about, this is bound to be really fun! I'm no writer. I can't even spell half the time. But I do love the art of writing, and maybe with a little practice, I'll get good at it. But if not, it will still be fun, and help to give my mind a little work out. I will be writing about everything and nothing. I will voice opinions, share my thoughts, and maybe even make you laugh...or cry. So follow me on this crazy journey, and lets see where it takes us...